he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
