bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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