Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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