Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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