How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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