Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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