if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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