If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
