I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize