I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize