And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
