I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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