Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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