Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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