I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
