Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
