That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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