I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
