Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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