Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
