if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This toilet bowl is my home.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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