We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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