I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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