I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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