Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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