he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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