My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
