i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
