when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He passed out mid-signature
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
