If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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