I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize