I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you didnt know i had herpes?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
