i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The Olympian is in my bed
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