I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
