While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
