I think i peed on brittanys purse
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
