I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
