Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Drunk is not a location!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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