i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
