watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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