Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
