so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
