I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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