it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
