textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
