no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
