the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
