The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
