I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
