Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize