My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
