ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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