I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Im part way to drunk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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