Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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