PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
