NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize