I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
