Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Will exercising make me less horny?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
