I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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